Perca-perca Kehidupan

The evening show was about to start, when we arrived. It's 6.20 pm and Nora was already cursing. Just as we found the entrance, I saw Linda waiting us eagerly. We were about to watch Hobbits: The Unexpected Journey. The first installment of the three films by Peter Jackson. This has been planned in advance right after I celebrate my 34th birthday. The original line up was me, Linda and Mala. Since Mala cannot come, I invited Nora instead. The reservation printed on the paper said, Hall 6, so here we go! Honestly, I've come with no expectation. I've read Lord of the Rings twice (skip many parts)... But can't seemed to finish The Hobbit. It was fun watching Cate Blanchett, Sir Ian McKellen, Elijah Woods (to name a few) reprises their role again. And my favorite scene was the riddle game between Bilbo Baggins and Gollum. I think that was Gollum best performance to date. Yeah the Dwarves look rather ridiculous and I can't seemed to remember any of their name. Perhaps be...

SINGLE BUT NOT AVAILABLE isn't really my conscious decisions. It's more like a lifestyle. What feels right. Not to say I never had any love interest before. I did. But more often than not I resisted it. Find every imaginable reasons not to. In the end I destroyed myself all the same. YOU DESERVED SOMEONE BETTER. Seriously I mean it. It's not a rejection.  It's not that you're not good enough for me. Don't doubt your self. Your own attractiveness. Just remember this. The real problem is me NOT you. YOU LOVE YOURSELF TOO MUCH. Maybe yes maybe not. Maybe I just hate myself as much. DON'T YOU EVER FEEL LONELY? Sometime especially when that sad song was on aired. Or when everyone was leaving. Or when everything I did seem like a vain. Blimey, I'm only human. DO YOU BELIEVE SOMEONE OUT THERE MADE FOR YOU. I think, I do. For every seasons. For specific period of times. For certain purposes.

This is really embarrassing! Honestly! When I first shared it on facebook (this morning), I don't know what it means. I kinda figure it out slowly as hours ticking. And I was like? *Tutup muka* I know this is morbid, but please don't try to decode the dream. Please, just this one.

It was quite a revelation of how time heal everything, when on one sunny afternoon, I casually opened up a story that happen to me five years ago. To cut the story short, I told this friend that I had a series of labyrinth dream which at the end led me to a girl whom (I hate to admit it back then) I fell in love with. Never once came in my mind that dreams that I followed anticipatedly could have this kind of ending. I was like, WHAT? LOVE? As Buha once put, "Sajalah tu tuhan nak bagi hang rasa apa itu CINTA." It shook my very core, challenged my belief. I always knew I was made for something nobler rather than someone's awful lover. Two years since, and someone else entered my life. I embraced it this time although secretly I resisted it. Just as it did before, this one too didn't end up with happy ending. I don't know yet what I'm missing here but it certainly brings out the worst of me. But there's this one message that hit me hard in the face. The fact...

Yesterday I had the worst yet ever, emotional upheaval in years, almost cracking if not hysterical. But God presented me something far more beautiful: A view (picture cannot capture the magic of that moment). A promise that my life isn't that bad after all. Come on, just few bad deals... You can deal with it. Written it off! Just like doves soared to the sky, my spirit lifted a little higher. There always rainbow at the end of every rain. You just have to see it. Believe it.

I'm not the kind of person who friendly enough to strike up a conversation with stranger. Often than not, I choose to retreat to the corner and try to disappear. Somehow blending is not my best faculty. Once found, some may discover I'm not a stone wall after all. After one smile, this dude come over and introduce himself as a tourist guide. He was paid handsomely RM 150 daily. He cannot work today, such a waste he said, because he had to do something for his mother. All of his siblings had to work today. This stranger begun describing all sort of works he done previously. Oral résumé if you like. Until he took a hint and asked questions about me instead. "Belajar di mana?" I chuckled. Evidently, I haven't lost my bookish charmed yet. "Oh sudah kerja. Kerja mana?" I don't want to say more. But just enough to give a bit of information. "Oh, Front Office?" Eight out of ten can guess my job correctly once I mention HOTEL. Damn! Tourism and hot...

I was almost drawn out all colors and all Nora wanted to do after we arrived was to see her cousin. "Sekejap jak... Kau tunggu sini. Kami pigi bawah. Sekejap jak..." Tracing urgency in Nora's tone, I relented. Sadly, I let Nora took Suzie down the elevators. We still need to wait for Rosmaria though. Even so, few minutes of waiting wouldn't kill anyone. It just I hated to be left alone. As Nora and Suzie disappeared from view, suddenly I felt vulnerable. This felt like a school trip to overseas without chaperone. I wandered at DVD shops to kill time. For I don't know how long, Nora finally called me. Just as we met, I noticed Suzie was perspiring like crazy. While, Nora was out of breath... Strange. What are they doing? Do a runner? Who cares, anyway when you were so hungry? I commanded them to walk a little faster. I think I can eat Kenny's Half Meal tonight I announced. While still discussing our order, Rosmaria arrived looking rather perky. She ordered quar...

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but all the sudden my M2U asked me a security question. Give me your best friend name, the system requested. I dared not answer the question. Since I failed the first time, M2U repeated the same question again. Man, will you ever give up? I stared at the screen. Trying to think of some tricks. I mean, I'm not going to answer this silly question. Sorry, not now. I shall not named the person I despised so much (overeacting). WRONG! Please try again M2U said. By the third time, given the nature of the system, heartless and apathy... Something like this showed up on my screen: Your M2U ID have been locked out . You may contact our Maybank Group . Reject code: [1202]. Don't panic! Google first. From M2U page I dialed 1-300-8866-88. The girl on the line said, there must be some suspicious activity going on, some out of ordinary, which explain why the security question appeared. I chuckled. I mean how ironic is that? SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY? ...

Why can't I just let it go? I've been plagued with this issue for weeks. Tried every tricks in the book. But still nothing coming out of it. Well not really. There was this voice telling me to LET IT GROW. Puzzling, really. I asked for enlightenment but I got more questions. Like I have nothing else to do. THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH. As I traced back to the beginning, memories start pouring. We did talk about future or at least what appealing most to us. But not much about NOW. What we expect from each of us. Not to mention about a long night of past confessions and occasionally doubts about the relationship (I wonder why). So what's it there about US? The TO-GET-HER thing? Nothing, isn't it? So why would I bother letting go something, when there's nothing to let go? DUH! In spite of everything, the voice inside came back to me. Not whispering but screaming: LET IT GROW! After much toss and toil, now I understand the message. Isn't it just about time for me to think wh...

I knew J.K. Rowling would write another book after her best-selling Harry Potter series. Since I missed all the media announcements, I only found out she finally did release something after I saw her book today on display (where else if not Popular Book Store?). The price for hardcover was RM 109. I was about to buy it but on a second thought, I think I'd better not. Not that I haven't got any cash, but I already spent a fortune for something else yesterday. Some for mini perfumes (Black XS + Star Walker). And some other to book tickets to Kuching (belum gaji lagi yea). If I kept on spending like Maharajah I might as well live on carpet to survive soon. Yet there's hope. Get a cheaper version! Like paperback. Hopefully it will be out in few months. Meanwhile be patient.

It was two months before any plan could take off that I decided to discontinue with the trip. I never reasoned why really, lest to rationalize my rather strange decision. Not that I didn't care, but I only followed my own guts. Little did I know back then, September wasn't the right time. Something coming up. New things surfacing. Taking a jinx position was likely more important than conquering the highest peak of Borneo at the time. Later on, I heard the trip was cancelled (or rather postponed next year). This was, at least a good news to me. Meaning I could still be allowed to rejoin the original trip again some time next year with the same group of friend. Now I'm back in my element, my head is busy hatching many new plans. On top of everything else in 2013, Mount Kinabalu is one of my priorities.

The realization that future is not ours to decide, made me thinking lately. Maybe the answer I was looking for is already there. Maybe I simply overlook the fact that I usually got what I need, instead of what I want. Or maybe if I allowed the present to grow on its own, I might found the future I'm looking for. Maybe what I really need right now - NOTHING ELSE - is just to BELIEVE. To believe that there's something good will come out from this, eventually.

Bad times? Wrong choice? Just about time, I received two shirts from Zalora. One is slim fitted (not visible in the picture). If everything went well, I'll be wearing this one on my BD bash. The other one, had to be returned. Not in the size I ordered. Why the long face?

The direction was clear, NO DIY: Get someone to cut it for you. But NOT me! If I can do it myself. I can save some! Ironically, I ended up paying more than the expected RM 10. Today for the first time I went to Maxis Center (at Warisan Plaza) for Simcard replacement. "Yg besar tapi boleh potong, RM 10 atau yg sedia kecil tapi bayar lebih." "Yg kecil lah..." Poor guy blinked twice before telling me the price, "RM 25 yea, Encik..." I thought they would asked something. What happen to your Simcard for example? Did someone steal your handphone? No sir. Nothing. No fuss. No chit-chat. IC, please. Right thumb, please. Complete this form, please. Then, click, click, click... And more click, click, click... Mute person would have been more fun to talk to.  "Ada satu lagi yg saya perlu encik tolong... Please send 5 to 20002." After such hassle, now I can use my Samsung Galaxy S3 happily. But stupid me, I forgot to ask my contacts to be imported to the new...

Or in my case, spend your money on what you don't need. Why I rebel this time? Cuz I LOVE YOU. Presenting my new gadget.

"Are you from West?", was Mark first question. "Mark ni dulu FOM di Le Meredian. Sudah resign", added Nora who doing the introduction. Its funny how two people meet. Always from the same community, similar industry. I'm no exception to this. "Le Meridian? But why?", I asked in the mix of awe and surprise. Mind you, Le Meridian is a five star hotel. Compared to us, we're nothing. "Tujuh tahun sudah kerja sana. Lama bah sudah...", was the official answer, but Nora revealed more later. Nora and Mark browsed something at ebay. While them at that, I ordered Beef Stew.  Felt like I could eat a whole horse tonight! "Sudah sebulan I'm jobless. Boring bah di rumah. Bolehkah saya jadi FOM di sini?" Is this a joke or what? FOM sounds like a million better job, but here its equivalent to mine. If only. As I put down my cutlery, Nora asked me to join her at Garden Sea Front. Our guests having barbeque dinner over there. We've done th...

What a lucky day! I bumped into Princess and Romeo. It has been over a month since I've seen them. After Nora dropped me at Wawasan, I went looking for shear scissors. My hair need trimming and I don't have proper tools. Luckily I didn't find the shear scissors at Wawasan. So CP here I come. Just I left Daiso, I saw a woman in black wandering about. She looked very familiar. As we got closer, my memories returned. Princess had her long dark hair cut into Bob. Thats why she looked so different. But still pretty as usual. We exchanged few words before parting. "Kenapa kau ni. Kurus sudah..." Constantly deprived from beauty sleep, I could be easily mistaken as a sick person. "Hai, apa khabar? Sihat?", asked Romeo when he came into view. "Sihat tapi makan hati..."

Just checked-in. Will be on duty tonite, until eight tomorrow morning. Cool down first, then shower. Room price: RM 174.

经过你的眼睛 那只红色的狐狸 穿过你的心 那只银色的狐狸 忽远忽近捉摸不定 它来无踪去无影 那是谁留下的脚印 深得永恒浅得天真 那是谁闪过的化身 红得热烈 啊白得单纯 难道传说你都信 谎话你都听 爱人是救星 还是要你的命 难道传说你都信 谎话你都听 毒药你都饮 只要心愿意 只要心愿意

Another sleepless night. Since deactivating my account (some permanently), I left with nothing much to do, but tons to think about. "Tengok muvie mcm saya", suggested Rosmaria. My first selection was a very old Japanese movie dubbed into English, The Last Eight Samurai. Not to my taste I settled with  a gay-themed movie, Testosterone (2003). My sympathy went straight to Dean. While ironing my shirt for work (today) - mine you at three am - I was thinking about flying over to Kuching. A perfect treat for my 34th birthday, I thought. I haven't booked anything yet. And my birthday is in less than two weeks. "Sabarlah. Kau pigi lepas GEMS", Suzie recommended. Perhaps she was right. But then what should I do? "Activate bah akaun kau..." I pulled the tooth but what I'm really losing right now was my very own support system. Following Nora advice, I reactivated my account (plus a new blog). So here I am.